We have all been waiting a long time to hold and see our baby boy. We have already bonded with him through his photos and have grown to love him. It is hard for us to believe we are still strangers to him! While we are preparing a place for him in our home and hearts, he has not even thought of leaving where he is. He will be experiencing the loss of everything he has ever known in just a few days. A few months ago I wrote a post about bonding and attachment in adoption. Now, with Kai’s arrival approaching, I wanted to bring it to your attention again. We are thrilled that everyone is so excited to welcome our new son, however, we want to make our intentions and expectations clear from the start; we do not want there to be confusion, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings after his arrival. We have done a lot of reading about ways to make healthy attachments with adopted children, and many things we will do might seem odd or inappropriate, but we feel they are important to Kai’s adjustment with us.
As hard as it is to say, please awe at him from our arms for a while! He needs to recognize us as mom and dad before he is ready to be passed around. This is a small window of time we have to develop an appropriate bond. He will be a much happier baby if we give him time to grieve his loses and then form a forever bond. There is no set length of time for this, but we will be able to tell by his reactions whether or not he is ready to be held by others. We still invite you to touch him, hug him, kiss him, talk to him, and play with him. But, for a while, we need to be the only ones to feed, diaper, bathe, cuddle...you get the picture. He will be grieving the loss of his foster family, this usually lasts for at least a few weeks, but grieving episodes could occur for months after his arrival. Grieving episodes are intensified by over stimulation, so we need to keep his world quiet and small for his first weeks with us.
We have been so blessed by this gift. We want to make sure we are doing everything we can for Kai to feel the security his birth-mother wanted for him. We know many of you have bonded with him just as we have! So many of you have prayed daily for him and we do not underestimate the bond or love you feel for him. We hope you understand our need for this special time with our baby boy. If you have any questions, please call or email.
2 comments:
I'd like to second your attachment statements. We too kept everything as low-key as possible and though it was hard on our friends and family, only myself or my husband fed, held, cared for Kaia when she came home. Thanks to the understanding of our friends and family, she is now a very happily attached 4 year old and is the joy of our lives.
I can't wait to hear of Kai's arrival :) And someday in the future hopefully we can have Kaia meet Kai :)
I'd third this post. When Sofia came home, we tried very hard to establish the mom/dad relationship and everyone was respectful. Even now though, when other family memers hold her, they are amazed by "how well" she's doing and how easily she lets them hold her, but she melts down at night and cries and screams so we've had to cut back the visists for now.
Sometimes the effects of the all the stimualtion and confusion don't show up until they're tired and their emotional reserves are down. My prayers for your family that they'll all do what's in Kai's best interest. He'll feel more secure and will adapt better in the long run.
Best wishes! I'm so happy knowing he's in your arms now :)
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